Innocence Asunder
by Grace Kay
Summary: A closer look into Liara T'Soni from my fic That Which Matters Most. Companion piece for the Music and Mayhem series.


_A/N: This is intended to give some insight into Liara in my fic That Which Matters Most. It should stand on its own, too, but I used this as a way to find my Liara's voice. I hope you enjoy! It takes place directly after chapter 17 of that fic._

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><p>Liara watched Shepard disappear inside the elevator, fiddling with the microphone at her collar. Miriam still wore her armor, though her helmet had stayed in the shuttle bay. Her silhouette was familiar, the bend to her elbows, the mussed helmet-hair, the jut to her hip as she stood waiting for the elevator. Liara could still smell her lingering in the space she had just occupied, smelling of soap and sweat, her pheromones still wafting off of her and giving her feelings away. Not that Liara needed them. The pull of Shepard's emotions at her face was also utterly familiar, even if there was a new scar in place of the old ones.<p>

Every movement was utterly familiar to the asari's eyes, dragging her back into her past at every turn...

_The human is strange, cocky, confident, but also sweet, gentle. She asks questions, and Liara feels compelled to answer them, even though they come from a place of extreme ignorance. When Liara asks the human why she does not simply look the information up, the human's skin takes on a reddish hue. She ducks her head and admits that she loves the sound of Liara's voice and would rather learn these things directly from her instead of a cold, clinical explanation from the extranet or official Alliance records on aliens._

_Liara blushes. She begins to see this human as a person, begins labeling her with her name—Miriam Shepard; "Commander" when they are not alone. She learns Miriam's history from Alliance records, eventually asking the commander herself, her own feelings mirroring the human's— she would rather hear it in that intoxicating, slightly rough, husky voice that only comes out around the asari._

_Liara studies Commander Shepard as she walks. She is tall and lanky, moving with the ease and grace of a commando. Some of her movements are open, receptive. She is quick with a hug or a hand buffing the top of Tali's helmet, hugging and touching Liara herself with ease when they are spending time with others on the ship. Other times her movements are more guarded. When they are alone, Shepard is more reserved, not touching Liara, keeping her distance. It is subtle, but Liara notices. She can sense the human's pheromones, and they confuse her, because they do not match up with the human's body language. They say that Miriam Shepard desires her, Liara T'Soni, and the message is so strong Liara half-expects Shepard to attempt some move when they are alone. But the human only distances herself when she comes to visit the asari for their conversations._

_She asks Dr. Chakwas about it. The doctor merely chuckles and says something about Commander Shepard being "a gentleman," whatever that might mean._

_Liara must puzzle this out herself._

_Liara is interrupted from her pursuits when her mother dies. She is devastated. Shepard finds her listening to some music as she weeps, and breaks her distance, holding the asari in strong arms as Liara soaks her shirt with her tears. After a time they are almost dancing, swaying, the commander leading them, Liara's eyes now dry... until the song ends and they are left standing in the circle of each other's arms and Liara is almost overwhelmed by the messages she is getting from Commander Shepard—protective feelings of love and affection, mixed with a little sorrow. When Shepard lets her go, steps away, Liara follows, whispering "no" while reaching for her. The wave of possessiveness and protectiveness that sweeps over Liara as the commander takes her in her arms once more nearly drowns the asari._

_They make love on that cot in the medical storage closet where she has been sleeping, on their way to find out what is on Virmire. It is beautiful and sweet, and Liara is immediately addicted to the taste and smell and mind of Miriam Shepard. She is given comfort for the passing of her mother, and provides comfort to the commander after Kaidan's death. She watches, fascinated, as over the course of a few days the commander falls completely in love with her, letting her walls fall down and accepting the asari into the deepest parts of herself._

_She learns more of Shepard's past. She weeps for her parents and siblings lost on Mindoir. She weeps for the lost, lonely child who simply wanted someone to love her, and who wants to love in return. She weeps for the grown Shepard who goes from relationship to relationship, looking for more than the others are willing to give. Liara is willing to give it. She would gladly live out the rest of the human's days with her. It is with this confidence in them as a couple that she enters the Citadel, the strong and sure Shepard at her side._

_They are together for two blessed months after Shepard recovers from her injuries, sustained in what is being named the Battle of the Citadel. Their friends leave the ship, Tali going back to the Flotilla with high honors to bring to her people, Garrus joining C-Sec once more, Wrex leaving to try to rally his people on Tuchanka. Only the human crew stays, and Liara enjoys two blissful months of her friendship with Ashley, sleeping in Shepard's bed, and joining the two humans—so alike in so many ways—on the ground as they root out geth presence. They are all frustrated that they are not doing more about the Reapers, but Shepard and Williams have faith in the Alliance, and so obey their orders and only grumble quietly from time to time._

_Then her world is destroyed._

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><p>Liara sighed, turning away from the elevator as the doors shut, Miriam inside. Even this feeling was familiar, and was unwelcome. Miriam Shepard made her feel like an unsure child, just like she used to aboard the <em>SR-1<em>. Or perhaps she has merely lost herself in her information brokering? It requires her to be strong, stoic, to have what the humans call a "poker face". She must never give anything away with her expression, or even the set to her shoulders. She made quite a few mistakes at first, but she learned, studied, until she began making money, contacts. She found now that she does these things without trying, and it seems to throw the people around her off. Even Ashley, who had been a good friend to her, didn't seem to know what to do with herself around Liara, except lift her gun and clear the next corner.

"Goddess... Ashley..." Liara breathed, thinking of her friend lying in that hospital room. The woman upstairs, who managed their communications on this most recent mission on Eden Prime, had been leaving Ashley's room when Liara finally went to check on the lieutenant-commander. The asari had done some digging and found out who the young woman was. Ashley Williams has a fiancée. Liara had had no idea. She mourned her friendship with the woman. The very thing that had made her able to find the Crucible was pushing her away from the important people in her life.

And Miriam… Miriam was pushed right into the arms of another woman, and Liara had only herself to blame. She simply… could not yet cope.

_She is destroyed when the Collector ship takes out the Normandy SR-1, and only Ashley mourning beside her keeps her rooted in reality. Her mother cannot help her through this, and she has no one else left in the world. But Ashley lost her father, dear to her, her rock, her support, and then lost all the members of her unit on Eden Prime. She is familiar with loss, with how to cope, and takes a supportive role for Liara, insisting they stay together, sharing an apartment during all the debriefs and interviews and investigations._

_It is not enough, though Liara knows the human tries, and she is grateful. She leaves with a hug and a promise to stay in touch, before, unbeknownst to Ashley, going to rescue Shepard's body. Cerberus says they can do something. Cerberus says they can bring her back. It is selfish, but all Liara wants is to speak to her beloved Commander Shepard—her Miriam—once more._

_She loses herself waiting for the opportunity. She becomes hard, unsympathetic, no longer open and honest and naive. She can't be. She owes it to Feron to find him, and to the Shadow Broker to break his neck for trying to help the enemy. One cannot do those things while remaining a starry-eyed archaeologist, nor while feeling her emotions so strongly. She must close herself off, compartmentalize. She is an information broker now, and even though her practice is modest, it is lucrative, and she holds power over others. It is intoxicating. It does not feel good, per se, but it does help fill the hole left by both her mother and Shepard, giving her a determined purpose in the void where love once dwelled._

_When she misses her lover, she swallows it down, assures herself she will see her again, and focuses on finding Feron in the meantime. She stops returning Ashley's calls—she does not have the time, nor can she tell the human about her work. Tali and Garrus both call a time or two, but this, too, cannot be, and she quietly ignores the calls until they stop coming. Her heart breaks to do it, but none of them would understand this need. Liara barely understands it, truth be told._

_Then Shepard is here, in her office—the Illusive Man had begun ignoring __**her **__calls—and her whole world stops._

_She is here. Miriam is here, in Liara's office, whole and healthy, a small smile on her face. The woman's scent hits Liara after a few moments of shock, and she cannot help but to fall into the marine's arms. They kiss, the human murmuring softly into her crest, and Liara is that young, naive scientist again._

_But as she pulls back, she sees Miranda through the open door and hears Feron's voice yelling to her to leave and save herself and Shepard's body, and she remembers her directive. She is an information broker. She cannot be falling into people's arms and murmuring declarations of love for all to hear—__**all**__ of Illium is tapped by __**someone**__. So she steps away, allows her now-familiar cloak of indifferent professionalism to settle over her, and attempts to have a conversation with Miriam Shepard._

_The human is hurt, tries to find out what happened. But Miriam hates Cerberus, and Liara delivered her right to them, and she cannot bring herself to admit it, not here, not for someone to hear. Miriam finally leaves, obviously hurting, angry. It never once occurs to the emotionally-shut-down asari to initiate a meld and share all until they understand each other again. By the time it does, months later when they take out the Shadow Broker, she finds someone else occupying the space in Miriam's heart that was once hers alone._

_She is the confused, naive archaeologist once more, and she cannot abide the feeling any longer. But she loves Miriam. Miriam makes love to her, and her feelings swell, as do the human's, and Liara wonders at Miriam's capacity for love, for there is __**room**__ for her here, right alongside this other woman. They promise to figure it out, but then Miriam is called away to find the reaper's IFF before it is no longer available, and Liara tells her to keep them both in her heart until this mission is over. She cannot distract the commander while she is trying to take out the Collectors. Liara pushed Miriam into the other woman's arms—albeit indirectly—in the first place. It is not fair to simply say "no, you must choose" at this crucial moment. Shepard did not attempt to keep it from her. She must not attempt to control such an open, honest person who exposes her mind and her heart to the asari the moment the opportunity is presented to her once more. Shepard had nothing to hide. Liara has everything to hide._

_Then all hell breaks loose again, and Liara is on the run for her life from Cerberus as Commander Shepard is forced by her honor to turn herself and her ship in to Alliance custody._

_The time she spends on Mars is… strange. And lonely. She keeps her network intact, setting up a remote link with Feron, who is with her equipment at a secure location near the Citadel, brokering in her off-hours. But she also finds that she now approaches her old work, archaeology, as an information broker. She cannot help it. It is simply how she thinks now, to piece out what information is most valuable, and to be incredibly secretive about it. She does not speak with any of the other scientists she works with, keeping discoveries to herself and updating Admiral Hackett when necessary. Not until a week or so before the Reapers come does she open up some, and she realizes just how much she has missed collaboration._

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><p>Now all her collaborators were dead, and Liara was left alone and lonely once more. She never did try to see Shepard on Earth. She knew the human commander would be locked away behind so much red tape that she would never get to see her. It was… simpler this way. Liara could leave her emotion out of it, seek to see the human at some other time, once they implemented the plans for the device and Shepard was released from her incarceration.<p>

That opportunity never came, of course, and now she must reconcile fully with the woman, and reconcile her own feelings, _while_ dealing with the Reaper invasion. It wasn't fair. Why must it all happen now, at this moment?

And _why_ must she _still_ feel like the shy, inexperienced, naive archaeologist around Miriam?! Liara was no longer accustomed to not knowing where her feet were, so to speak. Miriam Shepard made her feel young and new and not at all how she actually was, how she viewed herself in the context of her work. Was Shepard in love with the old Liara? Was there room for this new, harder Liara in the human's heart? How would she cope? And what of this other woman? So many questions. Too many to answer in one conversation. It was not efficient, but feelings never were.

Liara sighed. She must adapt and manage this, or she would lose this, too. A second time. And it would be all her fault. Shaking her head, she called the elevator, stepping into it and riding up to Shepard's cabin. There was a time when all she did was puzzle out the answers, work with in complete conjecture. She loved it. No longer. She did not like not holding all the cards.

She did not like so many unknowns.


End file.
